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Top Ten Ways to Freak Out Your Roommate
10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, ''He just didn't belong.''
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9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
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8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, ''The hair, it's growing. Growing!''
Mugleston's "American Pitbull Terrier" & "Blue
pitbulls". Go to males or
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7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, ''Soon, soon....''
6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
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5) Tell your roommate, ''I've got an important message for you.'' Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, ''Oh, yeah, I remember!'' Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, ''Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?'' Complain loudly that you are hungry.
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2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, ''Hooray! You're back!'' as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, ''Shouldn't you be going somewhere?''
1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, ''No, I want to watch them suffer.'''
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Thoughts on Life
1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is!
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
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Warning Signs of Insanity
1. When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"
2. Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.
3. You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day
seek revenge.
4. You like cats. Especially with mayo.
5. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.
6. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.
7. Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on
it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
8. Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"
9. You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
10. You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.
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Passing Football
A jumbo-sized freshman went to try out for the football team. The coach asked him if he could tackle and he said, "Hell yah, get a load of this!"
And with that knocked over a telephone pole as if it were made of balsa wood.
The coach was dumbfounded and asked if the boy could run, to which the boy replied, "Hell yah!" and he sprinted from endzone to endzone like lightning.
The coach stood there with his mouth agape to see such a huge boy run so fast. He finally composed himself and said, "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman stopped to think for a few seconds, then said, "Hell yah, if I can swallow it, I can surely pass it!"
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Vow of Silence
At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas, by one monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence.
One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, "I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!" Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days.
The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn, and said, "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I truly despise them!" Once again, silence ensued for 365 days.
The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!"
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The circus come to town a long long time ago and during the night an
elephant escapes. It wanders through town and ends up in an old woman's garden. Well this woman has never seen or even heard of any exotic
animals. All she knows about are horses, cattle, dogs, Etc. Upon seeing
this elephant in her garden first thing in the morning the old woman frantically runs to the phone and calls the police. She says, sheriff,
get out here quick, there's some kind of strange animal in my garden and
he's ripping up my vegetables with his tail. The sheriff says, he's ripping up your vegetables with his tail?? Well, what's he doing with
them? She says, you wouldn't believe me if I told you.
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A lady and her baby...
A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at the lady, and then her baby, and then screams, "AHHHH! That's the ugliest child I've ever seen in my life!"
The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit down.
As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks, "Are you ok, dear?"
The lady replies, "I'm so angry, that bus driver just insulted me."
The man says, "You go back up there and give that bus driver a piece of your mind, and I'll watch your monkey."
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A Real Ball Buster
"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!”
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Telemarketer Repellant
If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
Say "no" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout..."
If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.
Ask them to repeat everything they say several times.
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
When the salesperson asks, "Is this the homeowner?" say, "Is this the salesperson?" And when they say, "Yes," hang up.
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A drunk man staggers into a confessional and is silent. After a
moment or so the priest clears his throat but the man is still silent. Finally the priest knocks on the confessional wall and the man replies,
"there's no use knocking mate, there no paper in this one either"
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This urban middle school was having a problem. Is seems the girls
were beginning to kiss the mirrors in the girls bathroom after putting on their lipstick leaving a lip print. Before long there were dozens of
new lip prints on the mirrors every day. The girls were repeatedly asked
to stop but the girls, knowing no one could see them doing it,
persisted. Finally the janitor, tired of cleaning mirrors, got the principal to call all the girls into the bathroom. The principal
explained that the janitor had to clean all the lipstick off these mirrors every day and he wanted them to see how difficult it was for him
to get all the lipstick off. The janitor grabbed a big brush, dipped it in the toilet, and began cleaning the mirrors. There was never a problem
again.
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Most embarrassing moment
A few years ago I was I my bank when a woman came in with a little girl about 2 or 3 years old. the little girl
was out of control, running around screaming and yelling and totally ignoring her mother telling her to calm down. Finally the mother grabbed
her and said threateningly "if you don't stop this instant, I'm taking you straight to the car and spanking you" The little girl looked at her
mother just as threateningly and said "if you don't let me go right now I'll
tell grandma I saw you kissing daddies pee pee"
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Bad analogies:
Bob fell 12 stories, he hit the ground like a hefty bag full of vegetable soup.
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Last night a hole was blown in police headquarters, police are
looking into it.
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It's a little known fact that if you fart consistently for 6 years
and 9 months enough gas is made to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
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Did you know that butterflies taste with their feet? Oh shit!
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Two snakes are slithering along and one asked the other "are we
poisonous"? the other snake replies "yes, very poisonous". The first snake says "crap, i just bit my tongue"
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The next time a cop stops you and says "gee son your eyes look red,
have you been drinking?" you probably shouldn't respond "gee officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts"
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We use Vaseline for lovemaking. We put it on the doorknob so our kids
can't open the door.
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Deep thoughts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it a hostage situation?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
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A young seaman joins a pirate ship. When the captain introduces
himself the young seaman is shocked to see that he has a peg leg, a hook hand and an eye patch. he asked the captain how he got his peg leg.
He tells him that it was bitten off by a shark. He then asked about the hook and the pirate replies "Arr matey, we were robbing a ship and one
of the bastards lopped me hand off in a sword fight. The young seaman
then asked about the eye and the pirate replied "Arr a seagull pooped in me eye" The seaman said "and that caused you to lose your eyeball"?.
"Eye" said the captain, it was just after I got the hook.
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What do a hooker and a bungee jump have in common? Their both cheap, fast and if the rubber breaks, your dead.
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Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked "what's on TV?" I said
dust.
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These are actual ads taken from the newspaper classifieds.
Free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel 1/2 sneaky neighbors dog.
Bills septic tank service. We haul American made products.
Nice parachute, never opened, used once, slightly stained.
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